Sometimes we can choose to be happy. Like if a friend asks us to go to a concert and it’s not our  type of music at all. We can choose to be grumpy and complain about the music or we can choose to be happy that we get to spend time with our friend and accompany them to an event that is important to them. It’s our choice.

If someone cuts you off in traffic and you get mad, swear, and maybe raise a finger towards them, that is a choice. Although at times it can feel like it isn’t a choice. That we’re responding involuntary, and, if we have unprocessed emotions, we probably are.

So when is happiness not a choice?

When your capacity to process your emotions is limited.

Sometimes very limited.

Think of a washing machine that does a few loads of laundry and does a good job of cleaning the clothes. But the clothes aren’t removed from the washing machine. Instead, the washer door is opened and another load of clothes is put in and the machine is turned on. When the cycle is done, these clothes aren’t removed either. Another load gets put in and so on. Eventually, the machine will be so packed full of clothes, it can no longer wash any of the clothes properly. There simply isn’t enough space. Its capability to do its job at this point is severely constrained. Same with emotions.

Once a person has experienced enough emotional events in their lives, without processing the old events (removing the clothes that have been washed), their ability to process additional emotional events starts becoming compromised.  

Signs your “washing machine” is full:

  • Your reactions are disproportionate to the situation, for example getting angry or yelling with little or no external provocation.
  • There is always an undercurrent of emotion(s) such as sadness, depression, guilt, or shame wherever you go and whatever you do. It becomes the lens through which you view life.
  • You have difficulty naming what you feel.
  • You don’t feel anything.
  • You say things like ‘I don’t get mad’ or ‘I am unable to cry.’

It’s hard to ‘choose’ to be happy when we are full of unprocessed emotions or when we have shut down feelings and are simply unable to connect with happiness. 

My treatment methods include the resolution of unprocessed emotions in a systematic way. This leads to freeing up space for a person to engage with life, and happiness, more easily and in a healthier way. 

The first step is to start removing some of the clothes from the washer.  I can show you how.

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